I see them in magazines, sitting across from me in cafes and on TV. Glowing, beautiful happy pregnant mum's.
How I wish I could look and feel like that is what I think as I sit there with my mouth swilling, my head pounding and wishing I could just curl up in bed and hide from the world till this pregnancy is over. To be able to spend it all flat on my back so my ankles would return full stop and I could fit my shoes again.
Now don’t get me wrong, I adore my little girl and I’m beyond thankful everyday that I am able to even get pregnant. I’m thankful as I’m fully aware that there are couples out there that as hard as they try it just doesn’t happen for them, and for them my heart breaks.
But I have to be honest with you..... I just don’t pregnant well. And I always hid it, buck up Karyn, sort your shit out Karyn, be thankful Karyn, everyone else can do it Karyn.....so you should be able to no problem! That’s what I’d keep telling myself. I’d force a smile and tell everyone that everything is just peachy (even though I felt like a pile of crap) then go home and cry.
Well here we are at pregnancy number 2, and I’m not sorry (this time) to say that I still don’t pregnant well. 14 weeks of head down a toilet, a good dose of thrush that is hanging in there till the bitter end, varicose veins in places they should NEVER be....but sadly are, and a good solid back ache that is just starting. To me this is just the (very long) bump in the road before I get to meet our new bundle. A means to an ends. I don’t glow, I don’t skip down the road, I have trouble doing more than yoga and you know what, I don’t care this time what people think, and I’m not smiling and telling everyone how glorious it is and boy o boy it’s liberating.
By changing my mindset, and being honest with people when they ask “and how are you” has taken a great pressure off myself. I don’t go into details of any kind (unless I’m swapping stories with a fellow mumma) but just respond with “it’s ok, but I don’t really pregnant well to be honest”!
Sometimes it’s met with raised eyebrows, to which I just smile and say “not all of us do you know” and sometimes it’s met with a great sigh of relief that someone else (me) other than them didn’t really enjoy being pregnant.
By being honest about it with other mum's I’ve found so many more that were in the same ‘smile and pretend it’s all good’ boat, and the minute they hear what I say they fill me in on the ups and downs of their own experience. And it’s almost like I can see the weight lift when they find a fellow “don’t pregnant well” mumma!
So to all of you out there who breeze through pregnancy with a skip in your step, my heart sings for you! You go girl and embrace it!!!
And to all those fellow mummas out there that just don’t pregnant well.......I feel ya! Know now that you are not alone. Know now that there are many of us out here that feel the same, that understand!
And I say don’t hide it, don’t put on a false smile and sweetly pretend that everything is just peachy. Be honest and say proudly “I just don’t pregnant well”! Trust me, owning it and saying it out loud and not giving a dam what others think is the best feeling, it’s liberating, it honest.
And it’s real!
PS: So tell me, we’re you a “skip down the road” kinda pregnancy or do you “not pregnant well”??
I’d love to know!